While Mel Gibson has certainly offended me with his drunken, anti-Jewish assholery, he has not disappointed me. In vino, veritas, after all, and I had no rosy illusions about his true feelings.
No, the subject of this post is the seemingly innoccuous and perennially funny Megan Mullally. Last Thursday, at Stitch ‘n Bitch, an enthusiastic! representative from her new talk show came by and announced that someone from her show would be filming a segment with us this week. Then he turned on his camcorder and aimed it at Ellen.
“So, what do you guys bitch about?”
“Oh, unemployment, bad boyfriends, car trouble . . . ”
“And those are just my problems,” added Miss Kendra.
Miss Kendra began to count on her fingers. “Sex, wedgies, why lime juice doesn’t belong in your vagina . . . ”
The girl is a treasure trove of vulgarity, and Mr. Camcorder was appropriately enthralled.
“What’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever knit?”
“Well, nothing too sexy yet, but I have a pattern for fishnets.”
And so an idea was born. Miss Kendra and I would knit a pair of fishnets and give them to the Megan Mullally show, and maybe she would wear them on the show and then we would be discovered! and people would hurl money at us and take us to lunch at the Ivy.
We began our work on Saturday, huddled in the air-conditioned Knitter’s Studio, but realized fairly soon that this route to glory might not be as simple as it seemed. We had to subsitute skinny 4-ply wool for cotton/spandex. Miss Kendra’s knitting was tighter than mine; despite this, her holes seemed bigger. Adjustments were made, and fingers were crossed.
Miss Kendra called Tuesday night and left me a voice mail. “Abort! Abort!” she yelled, “It doesn’t work!” Of course, she was right. The band at the top of the stockings called for 47 stitches on size 6 needles, worked in 2X2 rib. Let’s see . . . 47 divided by 4 equals . . . 11.75? Even making it 48 stitches resulted in an opening roughly the size of Miss Kendra’s forearm. We ended up increasing to 60 stitches on size 8 needles, which was moderately more successful.
On Wednesday evening, feeling anxious about our prospects re: fame, fortune, and Megan Mullally’s eternal gratitude, I decided to make a thong to go with the stockings. Oh, and by the way? Remind me not to start projects at 10p.m. with the intention of finishing before bed.
Thursday’s Stitch ‘n Bitch was its usual blend of laughter, cookies, and yarn. Miss Kendra and I passed around our completed projects to much acclaim. But Megan Mullally didn’t show.
We hear rumours she’ll be there in two weeks. Maybe I’ll have time to make a garter belt before then.