I just bought one of these:
I’m not usually a slogan-wearer, but after I heard that Barbara Walters had misinformed her audience on The View by saying that Plan B works by preventing implanation of a fertilized egg (after which Elizabeth Hasselbeck promptly Freaked the Hell Out), I had to do something.
So I’m going to assume here that you have, in fact, Asked Me How! and, in the best middle-school tradition, I present to you a skit.
Scene: Laura, in her kitchen, looking concerned. On Tuesday, Laura had sex with George. Maybe she forgot to take her birth control pills for the preceding week (or maybe she doesn’t have health insurance and can’t afford them and George hates wearing condoms and refuses and she knows he’s going to leave her if she keeps refusing to have unprotected sex, or maybe they do wear a condom and it breaks, or maybe . . . ) On Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday), Laura counts the days from her last period and thinks, “Damn, that was stupid. Sperm can live in the reproductive system for up to five days, and I’m due to ovulate soon. If I get pregnant right now, I won’t be able to finish high school/finish college/keep living with my parents/keep my job with which I support my three other children.” So Laura calls Barbara and describes her situation.
“And now,” says Laura, “I have to wait to find out whether I’m pregnant.”
“What’ll you do if you are?” asks Barbara.
“Well, I might keep it, if George will help support it/if my parents won’t kick me out/if my job gives me maternity leave. If not, I might. . . I might have to get an abortion.”
“Wait!” says Barbara, “What about the completely safe and effective Plan B?”
“Plan B?” asks Laura, “You mean the morning-after pill? But that prevents a fertilized egg from implanting, so it is an abortion, isn’t it?”
“No, that’s not how it works at all,” says Barbara, who is a student in P.Z. Meyers’ biology class, “Plan B works by suppressing ovulation, thereby preventing fertilization. No fertilization, no conception! No conception, no abortion.”
“Oh! But that’s not what Barbara Walters said on The View!”
“Well, she was wrong.”
“But if it’s safe and effective, and isn’t an abortifacient, then why has the FDA refused to make it available over the counter?”
“According to the depositions in the ongoing lawsuit over this issue, it’s purely a political decision, ‘to appease the Administration’s constituents.'”
“Who said that?”
“Dr. Janet Woodcock, a senior FDA official.”
“Wow, that’s fucked up.”
And off goes Laura to get her safe, effective, non-abortion-causing Plan B.
So who wants to perform this with me at the next talent show?