Supporting choice in my own totally fashionable way.

I just bought one of these:

I’m not usually a slogan-wearer, but after I heard that Barbara Walters had misinformed her audience on The View by saying that Plan B works by preventing implanation of a fertilized egg (after which Elizabeth Hasselbeck promptly Freaked the Hell Out), I had to do something.

So I’m going to assume here that you have, in fact, Asked Me How! and, in the best middle-school tradition, I present to you a skit.

Scene: Laura, in her kitchen, looking concerned. On Tuesday, Laura had sex with George. Maybe she forgot to take her birth control pills for the preceding week (or maybe she doesn’t have health insurance and can’t afford them and George hates wearing condoms and refuses and she knows he’s going to leave her if she keeps refusing to have unprotected sex, or maybe they do wear a condom and it breaks, or maybe . . . ) On Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday), Laura counts the days from her last period and thinks, “Damn, that was stupid. Sperm can live in the reproductive system for up to five days, and I’m due to ovulate soon. If I get pregnant right now, I won’t be able to finish high school/finish college/keep living with my parents/keep my job with which I support my three other children.” So Laura calls Barbara and describes her situation.

“And now,” says Laura, “I have to wait to find out whether I’m pregnant.”

“What’ll you do if you are?” asks Barbara.

“Well, I might keep it, if George will help support it/if my parents won’t kick me out/if my job gives me maternity leave. If not, I might. . . I might have to get an abortion.”

“Wait!” says Barbara, “What about the completely safe and effective Plan B?”

“Plan B?” asks Laura, “You mean the morning-after pill? But that prevents a fertilized egg from implanting, so it is an abortion, isn’t it?”

“No, that’s not how it works at all,” says Barbara, who is a student in P.Z. Meyers’ biology class, “Plan B works by suppressing ovulation, thereby preventing fertilization. No fertilization, no conception! No conception, no abortion.”

“Oh! But that’s not what Barbara Walters said on The View!”

“Well, she was wrong.”

“But if it’s safe and effective, and isn’t an abortifacient, then why has the FDA refused to make it available over the counter?”

“According to the depositions in the ongoing lawsuit over this issue, it’s purely a political decision, ‘to appease the Administration’s constituents.'”

“Who said that?”

“Dr. Janet Woodcock, a senior FDA official.”

“Wow, that’s fucked up.”

And off goes Laura to get her safe, effective, non-abortion-causing Plan B.

So who wants to perform this with me at the next talent show?

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29 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Faith said,

    OMG – I will!!! Pick me!

  2. 2

    miss kendra said,

    the links to punkassblog led me to dawn patrol, which scared the h-e-double hockey stix outta me.

    ironically, i have a shirt that reads “dawn patrol rejects.”

  3. 3

    MonkeyGurrl said,

    I get stage fright; but I’d be happy to build the set.

    ARE YOU GUYS GOING TONITE?!?!!

  4. 5

    Laurie Ann said,

    That Hasselbeck lady went off like that about a woman, she was famous but I don’t remember her name, who lived with her man for 10 years but wasn’t married to him. She didn’t feel the need to be married to be committed and you should have see Elizabeth foam at the mouth over THAT one. Then, the next guest on the show was Kate Hudson, whose mother and Kurt Russell have never married. Poor Kate was leaning toward Barbara for protection.

  5. 6

    Laurie Ann said,

    Oh, and I’ll do your lighting at the talent show.

  6. 7

    nora said,

    Me too!

  7. 8

    Annika said,

    That shirt would be way better if it had a mangled fetus or something.

  8. 9

    Hyphen said,

    I’ll be in the skit too! Let’s add a scene with a religious-and-yet-helpful pharmacist who thanks Laura for making a responsible choice! 🙂

  9. 10

    laurie said,

    I’ve never understood why folks were so freaked about the morning after pill. Honest to God, it never made any sense to me (I mean, who would have moral ambiguity about it? it’s such a good thing!) but you explained it just perfect via Laura and George and the View.

    muchas gracias darlin!

  10. 11

    uccellina said,

    So . . . you’re saying you’ll play Laura? Then Faith can be Barbara! I get to direct.

  11. 12

    Mom said,

    But you’re so good on stage.

  12. 14

    SilliGirl said,

    Um, hello? Why has there been no mention of choreography?

    I mean, clearly this is calling for a musical adaptation.

    (Okay, I’ll do it, but I don’t work for less than $35 an hour, and my kids come with me.)

  13. 15

    Mom said,

    Moms have to say things like that sometimes. It’s in the job description.

  14. 16

    Mom said,

    If only to annoy. I could be adding too much pepper to the soup.

  15. 17

    Dina said,

    Preface: I absolutely think Plan B should be available over the counter. I’m totally pro-choice. However…

    I just went to the Plan B website, and this is what it says:
    Plan B® works like a regular birth control pill. It prevents pregnancy mainly by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary, and may also prevent the fertilization of an egg (the uniting of sperm with the egg). Plan B® may also work by preventing it from attaching to the uterus (womb). It is important to know that Plan B® will not affect a fertilized egg already attached to the uterus; it will not affect an existing pregnancy.
    http://www.go2planb.com/ForConsumers/AboutPlanB/HowItWorks.aspx

    So, even though it mainly works by preventing ovulation, it also does prevent implantation.

  16. 18

    uccellina said,

    From the Population Council’s website:

    Emergency contraceptive pills, a hormonal treatment that can prevent pregnancy if taken within 72 hours of unprotected intercourse, have been the subject of heated debate. At issue is the method’s mechanism of action: does it prevent the meeting of egg and sperm, or does it prevent a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus? Recent research by members of the Population Council’s International Committee for Contraception Research (ICCR) and other scientists shows that the most popular method of emergency contraception appears to work by interfering with ovulation, thus preventing fertilization, and not by disrupting events that occur after fertilization.

  17. 19

    uccellina said,

    Consensus on teh internets seems to be that Plan B’s “may prevent fertilized egg from attaching” statement is political/legal ass-covering.

  18. 21

    Hyphen said,

    Ah, I love The Onion. What a way to put it all in perspective. 😉

  19. 22

    […] Original post by uccellina and software by Elliott Back […]

  20. 23

    John Dias said,

    Why do abortion providers purport to help women, but turn a blind eye to statutory rape?

    Here is a Web site showcasing recorded phone calls of a girl who called 92 abortion providers across the U.S. She said she was 13, and that her boyfriend was 22. She repeatedly asked if anyone would be told of this, and was always told no one would know. The only priority to the receptionist for the abortion provider is that the abortion be scheduled, and carried out. Child predators? No problem! Just come on in for a visit; an abortion will fix you right up.

    Listen to (and read the transcripts of) the calls here:
    http://207.36.226.219/

    The calls were used in the effort to promote a ballot proposition in California requiring that parents be notified before their daughter receives an abortion (that ballot proposition was rejected in the November 2006 election). But the calls were recorded a couple years prior to the election.

    This goes to show that the only thing abortion providers are interested in is abortion, not the welfare of young girls.

  21. 24

    uccellina said,

    John,

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the idea that the solution to statutory rape or child predation is to restrict access to abortion is bullshit.

    My positions on parental notification requirements may be found here and here.

  22. 25

    John Dias said,

    Uccellina said:

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the idea that the solution to statutory rape or child predation is to restrict access to abortion is bullshit.

    Actually, I think you missed the point I was making. These abortion providers had enough information to at least report a statutory rape, and yet all they were concerned about is scheduling the abortion. Regardless of what you think about the merits of restricting abortion, they should have reported it.

    Unless the standard procedure is to first do the abortion and then report, I would venture to guess they probably do the abortion and totally forget about the fact that a young girl is being preyed upon by a man almost 10 years her senior. By the time of the appointment, how much do you want to bet they have no memory of the girl’s 22-year-old boyfriend? Do they flag the account, or do they just schedule the abortion?

    Listening to the calls it would seem very little interest is expressed about the age difference between the girl and her boyfriend. I think it’s clear what’s going on here. Hush-hush, just come on in for your appointment.

  23. 26

    uccellina said,

    John,

    I read through thirty-six of the transcripts on that page, and in eighteen cases, the receptionist informed the girl of the mandated reporting laws. In several other cases, the girl specified that she was concerned that her parents not find out, and the receptionist reassured her that no one from the clinic would tell her parents.

    You are right that all health care providers in California are mandated reporters, and that the situation described by the caller would require such reporting. But the call transcripts above provide no evidence that such reporting does not regularlly and reliably take place, simply that receptionists are not always aware of the laws. But the nurses and doctors who face fines and jail time if they fail to report statutory rape – I bet they know the laws a little better.

    No one wants to see thirteen year old girls abused. This “pro-choicers are malevolent, child-hating demons” argument is absurd.

  24. 27

    Ben Dover said,

    Too bad the only opinions that count are rabid liberals. An embryo is a human.
    Plan B prevents it from attaching to the uterus wall, this is killing an unborn person.

    It’s a shame that all those who want to play don’t have the guts to pay. Maybe you all should use the pill or some other contraceptive and be responsible for your behavior.

  25. 28

    uccellina said,

    Ben, Ben, Ben. That’s not how Plan B works at all, which you would have known had you actually read the post before adding your oh-so-convincing argument to the mix.

  26. 29

    John Dias said,

    Uccellina wrote:

    “Ben, Ben, Ben…”

    You should address him thrice by his full name, Uccellina. It’s only proper.


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