My advertisement seeking someone to do filing in our office for $10/hr has garnered twenty responses in one hour. Several of these are from people vastly overqualified to do what I’m asking of them, which is, y’know, to file stuff. It’s sad.
As I read these applications, I’m discovering what a horrible, judgmental, biased person I truly am. I know, you’re shocked. Shut up. But, okay, really? A filing job has very few requirements: tolerance for boredom, yes; skill, not so much. The ability to follow directions is vital, however. So sending me a resumé as an attachment when my ad specified “no attachments” is fairly good evidence that you are Not Suited For The Position, and maybe dumb.
Other fatal flaws include such spelling mistakes as “alfa numeric,” “file cleark,” and “pareleagal,” as well as beginning your cover letter with the word “Hey!” Oh, yeah – and listing your court-ordered community service under “Volunteer Work.”
One cover letter was addressed to “Melissa.” I am not Melissa. I do, however, regularly receive phone calls for Melissa, who may or may not have had my phone number before it became mine three years ago. My theory (as I have mentioned elsewhere) is that Melissa maxed out her credit cards on booze and hookers before skipping town and bequeathing her number to me. So is this cover letter further punishment dealt to me by the absent, drug-addled, pox-ridden Melissa? Perhaps.
Sometimes applicants give personal information in their cover letters, or list “Other Characteristics” in their resumé. I hate this, because I am, in the common parlance, a sucker. It’s very hard to steel myself against such heartwrenching statements as “I currently work out of my home, due to caregiving for an elderly parent,” or to resist hiring someone simply because she’s a knitter.
Several people mentioned their imminent attendance at Law School and wrote things like “i would love to start working for an attorney.” Exsqueeze me? What about the word “filing” gives you the impression that this would in any way constitute valuable legal experience? This is what we call Inflated Expectations, my friend.
Also, to all the people who listed their “Objective” as “to find a challenging position [etc.]”: Did you read this ad? It’s filing, for fuck’s sake.
And to the person who graduated in May with a 3.5 GPA from an excellent university and listed her “Main Objective” as “Office Clerk for Law Firm”: I don’t believe you.