Archive for Teh funny

I am not this good.

From SundryMourning:

No offense
but if you were on Survivor
you would get voted off
first.
They would say you had a strong personality
but they would really mean
that you were too whiny
wouldn’t eat the coconuts
sucked at the puzzles
and couldn’t swim for shit.

I have read these poems about parenting six times today and I laugh every time. Thanks Annika!

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Trying to be a better blogger.

My children are so considerate. They know I have not had babies before, and that I need to practice so I’ll be ready when they get here. Therefore, they are kindly waking me up 4-5 times each night to pee, and also ensuring that I wake up every time I roll over (another 4-5 times each night) because it hurts so much to do so.

So aside from being completely exhausted, all is well. Go read this. It made me laugh even though lack of sleep has all but killed my sense of humor.

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Moment of cute.

Husband called to relate a conversation he just had with a neighbor, and I couldn’t resist passing it on:

Husband: Have you heard the news?
Neighbor Lady: That she’s going to have twins? You are the luckiest people ever!
Neighbor Lady’s 6-yr-old Son: She’s having kittens?
Neigbor Lady: No, Uccellina’s going to have babies. From her tummy.
Neighbor Lady’s Son [thoroughly disappointed]: Oh.

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I’ve read this twelve times and I can’t stop giggling.

The following is dedicated to Arthur.

arthur in a drunken stupor

From the Best of Craigslist:

Oh no fatty. That food’s not for you.

Date: 2007-03-06, 9:35PM CST

Hey fatbottom, don’t think I don’t see you coveting the kitten’s rich tasty kitten food. So knock it off, cause you ain’t getting any.

You can hatch evil plans to acquire the tasty food all you want, but let me remind you, you’re a cat, and your strategies have been at best dismal failures. Let’s refresh, shall we?

You headbutted the kitten away from her food. This was your best strategy to date, and you actually got to snarf down some of good stuff until I caught you, and you were greeted by your arch nemesis, Captain Squirtgun and his sidekick Lieutenant My-Foot-To-Yo-Fat-Ass. Me 1, Tubbins 0

Brute Force no longer an option, you decided to go stealth ops. Lurk, waiting for the kitten to wander, then you swoop in on a high speed raid. That didn’t work out so well for you either did it? Why not? Cause at 20 something lbs, you don’t ‘swoop’ very stealthy. There’s a reason Possums hunt at night- because they’d starve otherwise… just like you’re doing now. Me 2, Sumo-cat 0

Taking no chances and sick of having to guard the kitten bowl until she was done, I decided kitten gets to eat up on the counter. You hate that more than anything don’t you? I can just see the resentment in your pudgy face. Why does she get to eat steak up there, when I’m eating compressed dust down here? Because I know you can’t get up to the counter without a loud distinctive grunt and making a calamity trying to wiggle your raccoon-ass between the wall and the toaster. Me 3, Fatty 0.

Clearly I own you. In all senses of the word. You really ought to just get used to the Vet’s prescribed food. You’re gonna be eating it for at least a decade, which is forever as far as you’re concerned.

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Other people are funnier than I am. It’s true.

For your reading pleasure, I give you some of their funny:

FOX NEWS AT ITS FINEST, from Welcome to Pottersville.
(PART THE SECOND)

TOP SECRET LOVE AFFAIR WITH DICK CHENEY, from Faux Real.

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