Things you will discover on the lemon cleanse.

  • Sugar crashes are rare, but may be promptly resolved by eating an apple.
  • The lemon/maple-syrup/cayenne mixture is far more delicious than you ever suspected.
  • Eventually, the metal pin that holds the lemon-squeezer together will gasp, shudder and die.
  • When this happens, you can squeeze lemons with your bare hands. It is messy. Be careful not to squirt yourself in the eye.
  • Careful or no, you will squirt yourself in the eye. Replace the lemon-squeezer as soon as possible.
  • The world won’t end if you eat a few spinach leaves and maybe some green pepper at dinnertime.
  • While you’re on the cleanse, you will not crave spinach or green pepper. You will crave mac ‘n cheese, pizza, cake, Chinese food, Indian food, and SourPatch Kids. In that order.
  • After you finish the cleanse, you will have little or no desire to eat any of these things. Except for the Indian food. Because Indian food is delicious.
  • Don’t get too used to the absence of the last three pounds you drop. They’ve just stepped out for some fresh air; they’ll be back soon.
  • You will poop more in these ten days than you have in the preceding year, or possibly ever.
  • About these ads

16 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    laurie said,

    I’m fascinated by the Master Cleanse, I see the whole lineup of ingredients in Whole Foods each week. They make me want to run — not walk — to McDonald’s.

    But I guess the running would be good for me.

  2. 2

    MonkeyGurrl said,

    well. If prodigious pooping is possible, then I think both Kendra and I should go on the fast… since we are both known for our deficiencies in defecating.

  3. 3

    Frank said,

    No poopie issues here, so I’ll pass. BUT I bet that concoction would be especially good with vodka added in there!

  4. 4

    Sachi said,

    I’ve never done this cleanse but I was raw vegan for a while. OMG, what’s with the Mac & Cheese cravings? What the hell???? It doesn’t get better. It only gets stronger. But trust me when I say, DON’T GIVE IN. It’s painful.

  5. 5

    desiknitter said,

    Oh I’ve been meaning to drop by and ask how that was going. Good for you for keeping it up! I might try it for a day or something. But I did buy that sports bra and am now set for a training session this coming weekend. Am full of good intentions, I am.

    Squirting each other in the eye with orange peels was a favourite childhood pastime. It burns, but also cleanses, we virtuously said to whoever was yelling in agony.

  6. 6

    Mom said,

    I’ve never had mac and cheese cravings. Chocolate cravings, yes. Ice cream, constantly. even rice pudding. But somehow I missed the mac and cheese gene. Writer2 is always longing for lasagna. Go figure.

  7. 7

    FancyPants said,

    I’ve only heard recently about this Lemon Cleanse and now you have officially piqued my interest. I’ll be standing by, waiting for details while considering the cleanse myself. I haven’t been craving mac-n-cheese much lately so it may be the perfect time for me to start the cleanse. BTW, love your blog!

  8. 8

    Catherine said,

    The closest I’ve come to doing the Master Cleanse is printing the plan off of a website. Heh.

    In my defense, I *did* by a Cuisinart Citrus Juicer just so I could go to town on the lemons. I have only used it for OJ, though.

    Hope to see you at SnB this week!

  9. 9

    Michelle said,

    I am currently on the lemon cleanse. This is my 16th day being on the cleanse. I don’t do the laxative teas anymore because there is nothing left. I may do it once a week. I opt not the do the sea salt cleanse because my stomach swells. I have to walk around with this fat belly all day. I do the teas instead. I have been experiencing aches in my back, so I try to drink a lot of water. My kidneys ache sometimes too. This is an indicator to me that I’m not drinking enough water. It is also an indicator of the toxins that need to be released, so I hope the water is a way to release the toxins. I have lost 15lbs. during this process in two weeks. I’m on my third week, and I want to go one more week. I have worked out 3 times a week so far. I do a cycle class twice a week, the sand dunes ( climb a 300 foot hill of sand 10 times for 1 hour). once a week, and/or walk 10,000 steps ( takes about 1 1/2 hrs.

  10. 10

    Leyssallenne said,

    I just started the cleanse 2 days ago. I have also found that the salt water bloats me. I was thinking of going with senna tabs instead of the tea. I’m not enjoying it, but I may just stick with the watner and awalk. I”m thrilled to hear that someone was able to exercise while doing this. It’s good to know that energy levels wont get low.

  11. 11

    sasha said,

    Is the saltwater/laxative tea necessary? What would happen if I didnt do either during the 10 days?

  12. 12

    sanjay said,

    I am on the tail end of a cleanse. Been doing this off and on for 5 years. If you are considering, here’s some hints:
    – do NOT do this to lose weight. you may lose weight, but this is about cleansing
    – DO the salt water thing a couple of times at least – it’s healthy in the long run, the tea is not really the same. the salt water irrigates the colon, the tea makes it easier to pass
    – DO make sure you “go” at least a couple of times a day. the whole point is to expel the bad stuff. if you are not going, you need to add psyllium husk or drink the tea. even though it’s “just lemonade”, there’s still waste to expel
    – DO drink lots of water – at least 2L. any less and the cleanse will not be as effective.

    I have never done this for the full 10 days (confession time…) – mostly do it for 3-5 days. Unfortunately, my lifestyle doesn’t let me do more (and there’s a discipline issue). If you are not in the mindset to commit the time and mental energy, this could turn into a very frustrating experience. It’s really not that hard (I’ve done the cleanse 6 or 7 times in 5 years), but a couple of bad experiences have told me that if my head’s not in the game, don’t bother… hope this helps!

  13. 13

    LolE said,

    hello! may i ask you all some questions please:

    -what’s the lemon/maple syrup/cayenne mixture for?

    -also, what’s the best thing to eat/drink during a cleanse and how long do you stay on one?

    ANY advice or opinions on this is greatly appreciated…i’m very out of the loop here…no idea how to start or what to do but REALLY need to do a cleanse.

    thank you :)

  14. 14

    colon said,

    The lemon cleanse sounds interesting. I’ll have to look more into it myself.

  15. 15

    uccellina said,

    Colon – I have removed your link because you are spammy, but I am leaving your comment because it makes me laugh to have a colon comment on this post.

  16. 16

    I’ve been following your blog for 3 days now and i have to that say i am starting to like your posts.
    how do i subscribe to your blog?


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